A banana cake and a spoiled wedding
by Authorwithoutaquill
Summary: When the Doctor and Rose attend a wedding, you know something is going to go wrong. Add Jack, a few members of the local Resistance and an exploding wedding cake to the mix and you have... Well, you have a naked Time Lord in handcuffs, a leather jacket, some cake, and one Rose Tyler trying to free them both, not quite managing to hold in her laughter.


**Author's Notes:** _This was written for a prompt on Timepetalsprompts that was submitted by waltzing-with-my-inner-geek. It asked for a Doctor x Rose cake!fic, preferably with NinexRose, so here we are. I have zero idea what this is, but the prompt wouldn't leave me alone, so I tried my hand at it. I hope you like it._

"So, how do we get out of here?"

"Just hang on a minute, let me think!"

"What? Do you mean you don't have a back-up plan for getting out of a church after we got attacked with the wedding cake and handcuffed to the floor?" Rose attempted to sound cross, but dissolved into giggles by the end of the sentence. She failed to mention the most glaring outcome of the event, but the Doctor knew exactly what she was thinking of.

"Oi, shut up! I didn't know it was a defabricator. Could have been a laser cannon!"

Rose's whole body shook from laughter as the Doctor spluttered, "You know, I was just trying to save you. But no need to thank me, oh no! Just go on laughing. Maybe you'll choke on a piece of cake and then it was all for nothin'!"

Rose stopped abruptly as the Doctor started shouting. He really wasn't in the mood for this, and perhaps he was right. She just couldn't help finding it a bit funny.

"I'm sorry. You're right. It could have been a weapon. If it weren't for you I might not be alive now. I didn't mean to laugh at you."

She felt his shoulders relax against her back a little and shook her head.

"You've gotta admit though, it _is_ a bit funny!"

The Doctor rolled his eyes and sighed. He did not find the situation funny at all. They were sitting on the ground back to back with Rose, both of them covered in layers of vanilla and almond cake, with handcuffs on both of his hands holding them to the floor - why in the name of Rassilon did a church have a grating floor in the first place?! Their ankles were bound to the grating by heavy chains and there was precious little room for any movement between the two of them. To top it all off, the Doctor was completely naked, save for his ever present leather-jacket and facing the door of the church. It was thankfully closed, but it did not make the situation any better.

He had been stupid, really. Should have realized it was just a simple defabricator to be used at the afterparty of the wedding, and not a weapon. But everything happened so fast; the Resistance was all over the place before he could warn anyone, people were running in all directions, trying to escape, shots being fired from left and right. He didn't think; he only wanted to protect Rose. He jumped in front of her, taking the hit successfully. He ended up stark naked, in the middle of the church, trying to save them all, and doing an awfully bad job at it. Jack was nowhere to be seen in the crisis of course - he took off with one of the bridesmaids right at the beginning of the ceremony and neglected to return since.

So it was left to the Doctor to try and save the day. He was just about to call out to Rose to take everyone outside and run when he felt a sharp blow on his head. The last thing he saw before collapsing to the ground was Rose staring at him in wide-eyed shock, mouth hanging open, frozen to the spot.

When he woke up they were already handcuffed and bound, with his leather jacket on his back and cake covering nearly every inch of his body. Apparently it exploded when one of the Resistance members misfired. So now cake was covering the walls and the ceiling, the long dining table and some of the windows. But mostly him and Rose.

According to Rose he was out for less than twenty minutes, but it didn't help at all with his feeling of embarrassment. He wanted to sink into the ground and never come out when he remembered Rose's wide-eyed reaction to the defabricator's effects. He didn't know how much she saw and didn't dare to ask. But it was a serious hindrance to his ability to come up with something smart. He could feel his ears burning and knew they were bright red. Thankfully in this position Rose could see next to nothing of him.

"So, anything yet?"

"Just… just hold on."

Rose sighed and he could feel the frustration radiating off her.

"Is the sonic on you? I mean… is it… was it in your leather jacket?"

"Yes, but I can't reach it. Bit hard with the handcuffs and all…"

"One of my hands is free."

"What?" The Doctor whipped his head around - or tried to, and promptly knocked it together with Rose's.

"Ouch. Just stay calm, Doctor. They didn't have enough handcuffs: there was only three, hence the chains on our legs. But the police were already coming by the time they got around to tying us up, so they left before finishing me."

"Fantastic! Can you wiggle around enough to reach the front of my jacket?"

"I'll try."

As Rose was attempting to turn her body enough to reach over, the Doctor remembered his condition and turned bright red. Rose would never let him live this one down. He just prayed Jack would only arrive after he was sufficiently clothed…

"Got it!" exclaimed Rose triumphantly and the Doctor felt her hand make contact with his skin. He held back a surprised cry and swallowed hard instead.

"Now which pocket is it in?"

"It's on the left side, I think."

"Well, isn't that wonderful?" Sarcasm was dripping from her voice. "I'm on the other side. I'm not sure I'll be able to reach around…"

She was walking her fingers across his chest slowly, carefully, trying to exert as little force on her already overstretched muscles as she could. The Doctor understood the reasons for her cautiousness, but it didn't make the sensation any less difficult to bear. Goosebumps rose in the wake of her hands, and his hearts were pounding entirely too fast for his liking. A shiver ran through his body when she reached his left nipple and he bit back a moan as her fingers circled over it. Her body was pressed tightly against his, chest flush against his back, thighs moving against his bum as she fought to reach the sonic. He was overwhelmed by her scent, by the light touch of her fingers on his skin, and he knew he was fighting a losing battle. Control swiftly slipping from his grasp, he rasped out, "It's in the top pocket, if I remember correctly, beneath the psychic paper."

"I can't… reach it, Doctor!"

She was holding onto his chest with force now - nails digging in, scraping his skin, palms sweaty from the effort it took to reach as far as she could. She was panting too and the Doctor could feel beads of sweat forming on his forehead as he tried to calm his own breathing down. He just hoped the church doors wouldn't open for a little while longer. It would be very embarrassing for him right now…

"Of course you can! Just stretch a little further."

"Easy for you to say! I'm the one doing all the work!"

A groan escaped him as Rose wiggled her fingers further under his jacket. Her chin was digging into his shoulder as she finally got a hold of his inner pocket.

"It's not the one!"

"Yes, it is, it's just bigger on the inside. Reach down."

"Yeah, how exactly will I do that?" Rose huffed while hugging him even tighter, trying to bring him nearer so she could reach the screwdriver.

"Just… try to reach it," the Doctor was starting to sound desperate and he knew it, but he didn't care. He couldn't take much more of this before he'd do or say something he'd regret later.

"I think…. I think I've found it."

Rose lifted her hand out of his pocket and returned to her previous sitting position with some difficulty. She leaned against his back, panting for a while, then, regaining some of her composure, asked, "How do I open the handcuffs then?"

"It's setting 231 - adjust the slider on the left and push the button twice."

The sonic whirred loudly and the chandelier above their heads went out with a loud bang. The Doctor sighed.

"The other left Rose, the one with the tiny circular buttons on the top and bottom. Just push it gently, slowly. And push the central button twice, not three times. Very gentle, it responds to the smallest pressure."

"Blimey, Doctor, are you this precise in bed too? I mean if I didn't know you're talking about the sonic, I'd think you were going on about a woman. "

The Doctor stiffened, but stayed silent.

When the handcuffs clicked open and they managed to untangle the chains, he got up very slowly, with his back to Rose, scanning the building for any signs of clothes. Unfortunately there weren't any.

"You said the police were coming by the time they got around to tying us up. Where are they now?"

"Oh, they went to chase the Resistance as soon as they realized that the members left the church." Her voice was coming closer and the Doctor was just about ready to bolt when the doors opened.

In the middle of the doorway stood one Captain Jack Harkness, with a laser gun and a smirk on his face unlike any the Doctor had seen before.

"I see I arrived just in time for the party. Nice banana you have there, Doc. Is he drunk?" he asked Rose, pointing to the Doctor.

Rose burst out laughing and collapsed onto one of the chairs while the Doctor tried very hard not to murder Jack on the spot.

"No? He's not drunk? Pity. I would have tried for a quick snog if he was…"

He came closer, giving the Doctor a once over (three or four times) and grinning in that infuriating way of his.

"Where were you Harkness?" the Doctor barked out.

"Oh, it's Harkness now. If you want to be old-fashioned… Rosie, why is he covered in cake? Not that I object. But what have you done to him?"

"I haven't done a thing! He jumped in front of a defabricator, and then the cake blew up."

"Right. But he's got his jacket on." Jack was leering now and the Doctor's ears were turning a very bright shade of red. He tried to look menacing and cross, but it was very hard to manage standing in the middle of the church stark naked, covered in cake.

"I cannot tell you what I'm thinking now," Jack addressed Rose with a grin who, to the Doctor's astonishment, giggled.

"You don't have to. I'm thinking it too!"

The Doctor's mouth opened and closed several times. Then he started to splutter, "Rose… Wha… Why… How… That's not… I didn't… You can't…"

Both Jack and Rose were now laughing so hard that they were turning purple in the face. When they calmed down a bit, the Doctor asked incredulously, "What IS it you're thinking?"

"Well, I like a banana cake," answered Jack cheerfully while Rose broke into a fit of giggles once again.

The Doctor was about to retort and ask Rose very nicely to please stop laughing and staring and generally behaving like she enjoyed the situation because he might burst into tears any moment now, when the police entered through the church doors.

"Is it him, Captain?" asked one of the officers.

"Yep, that is him. All of him," he winked at the policeman who thankfully averted his eyes.

"Lovely. We'll take the eyewitness accounts outside then."

He finally glanced at the Doctor - who tried very hard to not squirm under the attention - and added, "And give him some clothes, for god's sake!"

Leaning in, he whispered, "Whatever strange things you're into, let's keep that out of the eyewitness accounts, shall we? The cover story is that the cake blew up."

"But the cake did blow up!" The Doctor cried. "Rose, tell them!"

Rose was however choking on her laughter as they were led out of the building and seemed in no mood to let the police know that the cake indeed in fact blew up. The police took half an hour of their time (and gave the Doctor some clothes) and then they were let on their way.

Both of his companions were still sniggering when they got back to the Tardis and the Doctor promptly disappeared into his room. Jack could pilot the Tardis and they could both go wherever the hell they wanted. As the Doctor sunk down onto his bed and covered his eyes, he had the sudden realization that the Tardis was quietly laughing at him too. He needed sleep. He just needed a little sleep. And maybe to not go out of his room ever again after that…

With a groan he rolled over and punched his pillow. They'd never let him live this down. Never.

 _On the other hand. Rose._ He sat up suddenly, bumping his head and stared at the walls in shock, as if expecting them to answer.

Rose was not disgusted, as he feared. In fact she seemed… interested. She seemed to be having a laugh at him, true, which the Doctor couldn't quite find the real reason for. But she seemed a bit interested as well. If he read the signs right. Did he read the signs right? Was she just laughing at him, finding the whole situation pathetic, or was she actually _having_ fun, enjoying it?

With a groan he lay back. Jack would know. But he couldn't ask Jack. For all he knew Jack was busy in his room right now, thinking about… cakes… and bananas… No, he'd have to find this one out for himself. But how? He could hardly just go and say _well, Rose, I was just wondering: what do you think of me naked?_

The lights dimmed in his room and he finally smiled.

"All right, old girl. I got the message. I'm going to sleep now. Deal with this tomorrow. Not that it will be any easier…"

And with that he laid his head on the pillow and sunk into a dreamless sleep. He could just imagine Jack's smirk when he'd finally enter the console room the next morning. He'd never live this down.


End file.
